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Worried About Online Dating Stigmas?Are You Weird If You Date Online? Nah, You’re Hip!

True story: A few years back I was working with a client who had recently moved to Los Angeles. She was single, did not know many people in the big city, and felt a little lonely. I innocently suggested she give online dating a shot. It seemed like an easy and pressure-free way to meet people, and I had other clients who enjoyed their experience and were in good relationships as a result.

“What kind of desperate person do you think I am?!?” she snapped.

She apologized, but explained that she felt “weird” about online dating. This perked my curiosity, so later I asked some of my other clients if they ever tried it. Some only confessed after their faces turned three shades of crimson.

Since I am a strong proponent of online dating, I dispel any stigma or embarrassment when I recommend it to my clients. This is what I tell them:

For many singles, life moves like Richard Petty around the Talladega Speedway. We change jobs every few years. We relocate more frequently. We cannot remember the last time we answered a phone with a cord.

Even if time is not the issue, some single people cannot shake the feeling that everyone else is happy while they are always alone. We may look at online dating as an act of desperation, because “normal people don’t need something like that.”

The simple fact is that you are not weird if you use an online dating service. We only feel weird when we think we are doing something outside the norm. Consider this: over 40 million people in the US access online dating websites every month.

It is the fastest growing sector of online content. There is no reason to feel embarrassed, because if you date online you are actually part of a huge group.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to find someone special, or at the very least make some new friends, so why not use every resource available to you? You do not get extra points for meeting someone in a bar or while waiting for dry socks at the Laundromat. Does it matter to you how you met the important people already in your life? You probably barely even think about it.

By setting up a personal profile and a list of likes and dislikes, you invest time in yourself. More importantly, you are taking action by trying to improve yourself and your situation. You are putting yourself out there and taking control by refusing to be lonely and isolated.

I have found many advantages to the Internet. The anonymity of online dating allows you to roll out of bed, hair standing in ten different directions, breath smelling like Boston Harbor at low tide – then click! You stumble on a person you will be dating in a few weeks.

The cost compared to going out and searching is next to nothing. You can learn more about a person’s interests to see if they mesh with yours. You do not have to deal with the harshness of rejection in person.

You have a huge pool of people to explore (remember, 40 million!) from all walks-of-life, people you would never have the chance to meet within your neighborhood or small circle of friends.

There is also fraud and deception. You will probably come across a photo that looks eerily like Pamela Anderson – right down to the copyright in the lower corner. Clients tell me about married people posing as single.

Nevertheless, these issues of honesty exist both on and off-line, so do not let that stop you from finding the partner you want.

With 43% of the U.S. population being single and with so many singles on the Internet, why not place free profiles with all the top dating services? Don’t be ashamed or afraid, learn the best and safest way to use the Internet to take control of your life and find the person you deserve!

In 2006, new statistics from a large national sample show that the majority (50.3%) of adults are unmarried!

A February, 2006 report by Women’s Voices, Women Vote found that “unmarried people are under-represented in the electorate. . In 2004, 69% of unmarried women were registered to vote, compared with 78% of married women, and only 59% of unmarried women voted, compared to 71% of married women. Throughout the nation, nearly 20 million unmarried women did not vote.”

The average American spends the majority of his or her life unmarried. – Kreider, Rose and Fields, Jason (2002). “Number, Timing, and Duration of Marriages and Divorces: 1996.” Current Population Reports

44% of American adults are currently unmarried (2000 data). This number has been rising steadily: in 1970 36% of Americans were unmarried; in 1980 39% of Americans were unmarried; in 1990 41%of Americans were unmarried. – “Marital Status of the Population 15 Years Old and Over, by Sex and Race: 1950 to Present,” U.S. Census Bureau, 2001

In 2000, 31% of men and 25% of women ages 15 and over (the way the Census counts adults) had never married. – U.S. Census Bureau, Families and Living Arrangements 2000

There are 100 million single and unmarried adults in the U.S. (some living alone, some living with partners, families, roommates, etc.). – U.S. Census Bureau, 2003

By The Millions!

11 million is the number of people who live with an unmarried partner in the United States, according to the 2000 decennial Census. This number includes members of same-sex and different-sex couples who told the Census they were “unmarried partners,” not roommates, in the 2000 decennial Census.

5.5 million is the number of unmarried partner households in the United States, according to the 2000 decennial Census. Each household contains a couple; therefore, 11 million people.

4.9 million is the number of different-sex unmarried partner households in the United States, according to the 2000 decennial Census. This number excludes same-sex couples.

9.7 million is the number of people living with a different-sex unmarried partner in the United States, according to the 2000 decennial Census. This is double the number of different-sex unmarried partner households, since each household contains a couple. This number excludes same-sex couples.

4.7 million is the number of households containing two different-sex, unmarried people (it’s a count based on POSSLQ, People of the Opposite Sex Sharing Living Quarters), according to the Census’ 2000 Current Population Survey. This number counts households, not people (at least two unmarried people are in each household). There is no way to know if the people in the household are roommates or intimate partners. It excludes same-sex couples.

3.8 million is the number of different-sex unmarried partner households in the U.S., based on the Census’ 2000 Current Population Survey. This number excludes same-sex partners, and it’s a count of households, not people (there are at least two people in each unmarried partner household).

The Current Population Survey is a smaller annual count which tends to undercount unmarried partners compared to the major decennial census, according to Census demographer Jason Fields. This is because it’s done by telephone, with a survey-taker reading the questions. People may feel less comfortable admitting they are unmarried partners on the phone with a stranger, compared with filling out a form in the privacy of their home. Also, they may categorize their relationship before the survey-taker reads the whole list, and not realize that “unmarried partner” is an option.

55% of different-sex cohabitors get married within 5 years of moving in together. 40% break up within that same time period. About 10% remain in an unmarried relationship five years or longer. – Smock, Pamela (2000). “Cohabitation in the United States.” Annual Review of Sociology.

About 20% of all male-female cohabitors, or 1.6 million people, have been living together for more than five years. There is little known about these long-term unmarrieds because no research has focused on this subgroup. – Bumpass, Larry; Sweet, James; and Cherlin, Andrew (1991). “The Role of Cohabitation in Declining Rates of Marriage.” Journal of Marriage and the Family. 53:913-27. – Calculation by the Alternatives to Marriage Project

About 75% of cohabitors say they plan to marry their partners (about 6.2 million people). – Smock, Pamela (2000). “Cohabitation in the United States.” Annual Review of Sociology.

The majority of couples marrying today have lived together first (53% of women’s first marriages are preceded by cohabitation). – Bumpass, Larry and Lu, Hsien-Hen (2000). “Trends in Cohabitation and Implications for Children’s Family Contexts in the United States.” Population Studies, 54: 29-41.

In 1995, 24% of women ages 25-34 were cohabiting, compared to 22% of women ages 35-39, and 15% for women 40-44. In every age category, the percentages have increased since 1987. – Bumpass, Larry and Lu, Hsien-Hen (2000). “Trends in Cohabitation and Implications for Children’s Family Contexts in the United States.” Population Studies, 54: 29-41.

There are 9.7 million Americans living with an unmarried different-sex partner and 1.2 million American living with a same-sex partner. 11% of unmarried partners are same-sex couples. – U.S. Census Bureau, 2000

41% of American women ages 15-44 have cohabited (lived with an unmarried different-sex partner) at some point. This includes 9% of women ages 15-19, 38% of women ages 20-24, 49% of women ages 25-29, 51% of women ages 30-34, 50% of women ages 35-39, and 43% of women ages 40-44. – Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. “Cohabitation, Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage in the United States.” Vital Health and Statistics Series 23, Number 22, Department of Health and Human Services, 2002.

The number of unmarried couples living together increased 72% between 1990 and 2000. – U.S. Census Bureau, 2000

The number of unmarried couples living together has increased tenfold between 1960 and 2000. – U.S. Census Bureau, 2000.

Singles Living Alone

As of 2000, the most common household type in the U.S. is people living alone. 27 million American households consist of a person living alone, compared to 25 million households with a husband, wife, and child. – Hobbs, Frank. “Examining American Household Composition: 1990 and 2000.” U.S. Census Bureau, 2005.

More than one in four American households consist of an adult living alone (25.8%). – Hobbs, Frank. “Examining American Household Composition: 1990 and 2000.” U.S. Census Bureau, 2005.

Unmarried childbearing and parenting:

41% of unmarried partner households have children under 18 living in them. – U.S. Census Bureau, America’s Families and Living Arrangements 2000

33% of all births are to unmarried women. – National Center for Health Statistics, 2000 data (report released 2002)

41% of first births to unmarried women are actually babies born to cohabiting couples, not “single” women. – Bumpass, Larry and Lu, Hsien-Hen(2000). “Trends in Cohabitation and Implications for Children’s Family Contexts in the United States.” Population Studies, 54: 29-41.

About two-fifths of children are expected to live in a cohabiting household at some point. – U.S. Census Bureau, 2000

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